Three One-Act Plays by Woody Allen

Author:Woody Allen
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Tags: Performing Arts, Theater, Fiction, Drama, American, Plays
ISBN: 9780307548054
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Published: 2009-03-12T00:00:00+00:00

WRITER'S BLOCK

CENTRAL PARK WEST

The Central Park West apartment of Phyllis and Sam Riggs. It is spacious with dark woods and books. They live there, and it also is where Phyllis practices her psychoanalysis. The layout enables a patient to enter the front door and privately wait, then privately go into the inner sanctum for his or her session. What we see predominantly is the large living room and the front door, a set of doors leading to other rooms.

It is about 6:00 P.M.on a November Saturday. No one is onstage as we hear ringing at the door and, since it receives no response, knocking. The knocking continues through the following dialogue.

CAROL

(offstage)

Phyllis? Phyllis?

(Phyllis enters from SR fully dressed. She sits on the SR end of the sofa.)

Phyllis! It's Carol.

PHYLLIS

I'm coming.

CAROL

Are you OK?

PHYLLIS

I'm soaking wet. You caught me in the shower.

(Phyllis crosses US to bar. Pours a drink. Downs it. More door buzzing and knocking from Carol.)

All right. I'm dressed.

(Phyllis crosses US to front door and opens it to let Carol in.)

CAROL

Are you all right?

PHYLLIS

No details, please.

CAROL

No details of what?

PHYLLIS

I said let's not get into it.

CAROL

Is everyone OK?

PHYLLIS

Everyone? You mean in the third-world countries too?

CAROL

The third-world countries?

PHYLLIS

You mean like Zimbabwe?

CAROL

Did something happen in Africa?

PHYLLIS

My God—you're so literal—it's such a curse to be literal. A waste of wit—all my jokes and little ironies go straight down the toilet.

CAROL

What's going on?

PHYLLIS

The reference to third-world countries is a one-liner meant to lighten imperceptibly the pain of this all-too-human tragedy we are faced with.

CAROL

What tragedy?

PHYLLIS

Please—I would hardly call this a tragedy.

CAROL

How long have you been drinking?

PHYLLIS

Long enough to achieve a state of one with nature—or put another way—a drunken stupor. What's the difference between sushi and pussy?

CAROL

Phyllis—

PHYLLIS

Rice. One of my patients told it to me. Don't try and deconstruct it, Carol—it's a phenomenon too abstract for your thought process—it's called humor.

CAROL

I'll make some coffee.

PHYLLIS

Only if you want it. I'm content to stay with my special hyperdry martini—all gin and I lightly say the word “vermouth.”

CAROL

What happened?

PHYLLIS

What are you accusing me of?

CAROL

What is the emergency?

PHYLLIS

What emergency?

CAROL

The message on my service.

PHYLLIS

(noticing her garment)

Where'd you get that?

CAROL

That what?

PHYLLIS

Not them there eyes, honey—the coat.

CAROL

This coat?

PHYLLIS

Now you got it.

CAROL

You've seen this coat a hundred times.

PHYLLIS

I have?

CAROL

Including yesterday.

PHYLLIS

One of my patients was wearing this fur coat—OK? Made up of many skins.

CAROL

What's the emergency?

PHYLLIS

And these acned fanatics accosted her right on Fifth Avenue. Those ones who would bomb all furriers—and they started harassing her and then some of the antivivisectionists or whatever they are got physical and they pulled her coat off and underneath she was stark naked.

CAROL

Why?

PHYLLIS

Because she's a whore. She's a high-priced whore and I've been treating her for research on my book and she was on an outcall to a guy who wanted a woman to knock on his door in a fur coat and nothing under it. So there she was on Fifth Avenue and Fifty-seventh Street with her fur coat on the pavement and her body exposed for all New York to enjoy—a medley of beavers. Now, where were we?

CAROL

Is Sam all right?

PHYLLIS

No details, please.

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